Advice: Should I Continue Our Relationship?

Dear Lauren, I am Australian and started a relationship with an Indian online. It seemed exactly the same experience you described, how we instantly felt like we had known each other forever. He has called me everyday since, and we talk for hours each time. After a month, he told me he loved me.

After three months, I visited him in India. He was very caring and responsible. No one has ever made so much effort for me. The whole time we were inseparable and we couldn’t stop laughing. It seems strange that there could be any other conclusion other than that we are meant to be together.

But of course, there are huge Indian cultural complications. Although his family moved to a more developed town when he was a child, they are originally from a small farming village. Needless to say, most people in his family don’t speak English and have never met a foreigner. Love marriage, especially outside of caste and religion, almost never happens.

I only want to marry him because I know that otherwise, moving together in the same country would be difficult. Unfortunately, his parents expect to choose his wife. Not spending my life with him seems unbearable now. He tells me he wants the same, however, he tells me it’s almost impossible and that it would kill his parents. I knew this complication existed from the start. I continued this far in the relationship because I thought there was at least a hope, and this man was worth the risk of heartbreak. In any case, I didn’t expect to fall so much in love. I thought as time went on, the hope would increase, but the reality has only become more dismal.

I want to know if I am being a fool by pursuing this relationship. Should I continue this relationship with the faintest hope we could be happily together? We’ve also talked about continuing the relationship even after he marries someone else but it seems incredibly painful and complicated just to see each other once or twice a year. Should I expect him to go against his parents to be with me?

We have such a strong bond. We are so perfect and happy together. My better judgement tells me to leave him but it feels impossible and unnatural. I feel like I physically need him, and I know from our previous arguments, he will not stop contacting me which will make it even harder.

I really don’t know a way out of this.

Anonymous Reader

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I’m sorry you’re in this dilemma. I feel that you should expect him to tell his parents about you. I know of several Western girls who have married men from similar backgrounds. At first their parents were heartbroken, but it didn’t kill them. After some time and negotiation they accepted their son’s decision. Especially after they have met the woman and they can see how much effort she has made to understand their culture and build a relationship with them (this really helps). It will be very difficult for everyone involved, but slowly they should come round to the idea.

I really hope your boyfriend gets the courage to tell his parents, and that’s what he will need, a lot of courage because it must be extremely scary and difficult. I understand that, it’s something that may shatter their dreams, but if he does want to have a life with you he will find the bravery. His parents will most likely be devastated for a while.

If your boyfriend says he will eventually tell them, have patience, it is definitely a huge deal (those who are unfamiliar with Indian culture may not realise how huge). If he tells them, you will both have to have another dose of patience because it may take a long time for them to digest this information.

Couldn’t he at least try? Wouldn’t the initial upset and hard work it will take to convince them be worth it if ultimately you are together?

It would be extremely unfair to continue your relationship if your boyfriend does marry a girl his parents choose for him. You would be able to walk away at anytime, but the betrayed wife would most likely be stuck in the marriage for life. I think that if he does continue to contact you if he does marry someone else, you would have to change your contact details.

I hope this is helpful and I really hope this all works out for you both.

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