Lauren

“I want English wife”: You’re Asking the Wrong Person

I’ve received more emails than I’d like to remember asking for my help in finding an English wife. I’m guessing it’s because if you google ‘English wife’, my blog is right at the top of the list or maybe it’s because I share intercultural love stories now and then. Who knows?

I’ve received a variety of odd emails from hopeful senders, here is a sampling:

From those who are desperately particular about blood…

“I am desperately looking forward to get an English-blood girl to live with. Prefer homely,middle-class,village send profiles. please help..”

…to those who think there is a step by step process…

“I want to do marriage with english girl and living in indian style. So. Please inform me that how do complete this stage.”

…and those who think I am a wishing well and simply write…

“I want english wife”

No, I will not ask one of my sisters to marry you. No, I will not circulate your profile (even if you are “middle class”). No, I will not give you tips on finding a girl from “any foreign country, doesn’t matter which”.

I understand that in India, this is the way some people find their spouse. They ask friends and family if they know of a good match, but it’s quite surprising how many people contact me thinking I will set them up with my friends and family if they send me an email with a list of what they are looking for.

That’s something that struck me, nine times out of ten, these emails are just a list of requirements, what their want from their English wife. There is no information about the sender himself, these boys send out such an entitlement vibe. The foreign girl must be like this, this, this and this. What do these boys have to offer?

So, I’m writing this post just to tell those boys that I am not a matchmaking service, I’m sure there are many dating websites out there who would would love to help. I am more than happy to email those in search for some intercultural relationship advice, I love interacting with my readers, but no one is getting a date with one of my sisters. 

48 comments

  3. that was bad, you should just block them… or have a filter in your mail and tag few common words like “blood” 😛 as “SPAM”

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  5. LOL! So sweet of them to sacrifice beauty and ask for “homely”! As if anyone thinks of herself in terms of being homely or not!! I received letters and photos from a man I met in Morocco while I was there on a 2 wk trip. He worked in a souk, I bought a souvenir from him and agreed to have a 10 min tea with him. He took a photo, asked for my address to send me a copy, and he continued to write. He was relentless. He proposed and even gave me a fax # so I could respond quickly! It was before email was so common. I don’t think I ever responded because the whole thing was so absurd. That was a while ago because I’ve been married to my DH for 18+ years.

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    • Oh wow!! That is a story!!! Did you get the photo? I guess it’s not a new thing then! I’ve been to Morocoo, I loved it, except so many men asked me to “be” with them!
      I hope you are well, Susan!

      Lots of love xx

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  6. Hey Susan, “homely” means something very different in the context of Indian matrimonials! It means a girl who is good at/enjoys cooking and taking care of the household stuff as opposed to one who wants to go out, work, travel, etc. all the time.

    I’ve mostly gotten messages from curious people on Facebook; more “how does this work” kind of thing and not “can you find me one” (although I have gotten those) … there’s a lot of complicated stuff there – believing the media’s interpretation of what western women are like (just watch Bollywood movies and you’ll realize we’re all family-hating girls up for a good time, right?), global economic inequality, fetishism, white skin privilege and how that plays out in a postcolonial Indian context, etc. ….and usually when I go off on this soapbox to them when they ask “can you get me a white girl” they stop responding anyway 😉

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    • Hey Andrea,

      Yes, you’re right. It means ‘stay at home and cook food’ I would say. This “I want a foreign wife” is very much to do with the awful stereotype of Western women and the fairness obsession, and maybe even the hope of leaving India. So many reasons, all of them infuriating! Eeee

      I hope you are well!

      Lots of love xx

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  7. I know how embrassing it could be at times.
    People consider that other people are so easy that they can simply get their way out.
    I feel it is an insult to the partner also that they are seeking.

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  8. @Lauren

    When I saw your pic holding the head of Laxmi in a plate, two thoughts crossed my mind. One half of me said, gosh, she is made to perform so many rituals. Isn’t it too hard on the girl?? Then, one half of the me was mesmerized. In your Maharastrian sari and jewelry, you looked like “Griha Laxhmi” (Laxmi of the household), the custodian of family traditions. Indians just love this image of a traditional women. I also understood that you love those traditions. Novelty I guess. Perhaps, people were smitten by your enthusiasm for Indian culture and traditions. You are full of positive energy and paint your life in such beautiful colours, that it appears more like dream.

    I think that Indians do have a very romantic idealist idea of women in general and DILs in particular. This elusive search continues like finding water in desert. Mostly the search remains inclusive, leading to bitterness. This search is similar to the search for ideal son like Ram, wife like Sita, brother like Lakshman etc. Our mythologies have set the standards a bit higher for mere mortals to attain.

    Those who came directly to this blog perhaps do not understand what it is all about. Those who went through other gori blogs have a good understanding of your state of mind. Indians also do not understand the concept of free will especially in marriages. You have made a choice of an Indian partner and you love Indian culture out of your free will. Blogs are also a new concept and people do not know what to make of a personal blog. It took me some time to understand the cultural differences in these blogs myself.

    All in all, you are a fantastic advertisement of a gori wife/DIL. God bless you. May you keep smiling.

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    • Hey Friend,

      Thank you so much for your comment!!

      I do perform a lot of rituals during the festivals because I am, like you said the Lakshmi of the house. I really do enjoy it, I think traditions are beautiful! I really think that Sita has set the level too high, I have read so many versions of the Ramayana and my heart breaks for Sita. I think in her next incarnation she will have free will and not have to be submissive to her husband and inlaws.

      I hope you are well (I sent you an email a couple of days ago, I hope you received it!)

      Take care, lots of love

      Lauren xx

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  9. A funny read but I’m sure that must get frustrating! I really hate the ever-popular attitude about “what can a partner give me” instead of “what can I offer a partner.” I think if more people thought more about their loved one/future loved one than themselves there would be more successful relationships.

    I think a lot of people feel that they are entitled to love; they tend to be “afraid of commitment” because look at all the other options I’m missing out on! Instead of thinking, “wow am I ever lucky that this person I love loves me back!”

    It’s obvious that you and your husband really appreciate each-other and that’s nice to see. Take care

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  10. hello,

    You are spot on with your thoughts, blog etc. As far as I am concerned, what people regardless of their origin, race, skin colour etc fail to see the simple truth is ‘Men and women getting married – a naturally occurring event’. People confuse with each other and bring in race, skin colour and other aspects to make simpler things more complicated. It would be better off if people kept anything simple, with their life!!!…

    Now, from what you have said “but no one is getting a date with one of my sisters” – why is that??? What happens to man like me, ehe???

    That’s a joke, take it easy….

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  12. I could not stop smiling when I was reading your post because I do get some weird emails from time to time. I do not reply to them because I don’t want to encourage the conversation with strange people. But I love all the wonderful emails people send me appreciating my blog. Take care gal…

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  13. Ugh I get these ones too. It is gross. And they are entitled. Like ok then, good for them if they want a foreign wife….but what the heck to THEY bring to the table? What’s so great about them that ANY woman would be interested in the first place?
    Many of these internet Romeos have never even met the nationality that they are requesting. It is so superficial, like they see it on tv and want it. Plus one size does not fit all – no two English girls are alike with the same interests and mannerisms.
    Sometimes I think they only want foreign girls because they think we are easy (or porn stars….lol!!)

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  14. Hi Lauren,

    First of all I congratulate you on getting married and you are blessed that you found your soul mate. I live in England and enjoying the wet winters. You must be missing the British weather!!:)))

    Well don’t mind ignorant people who just don’t know how to behave. I am an Indian married to a White girl and I get this all the time. I felt sorry for her when we were in india as everyone stared at her and some random comments were passed. On the contrary, this could be because of different appearance as well. When I went to a conservative village in England I got few looks as I was the only brown person in the village.

    I had few people who asked me if I can ask my wife’s sister if she wants to marry an Indian man. Ignore such comments. Not worth your time.

    How do you find India?. Is it too hot for you?.

    Regards
    Manny

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    • Hey Manny,

      Thank you so much for your kind words! I really appreciate them! Yes, it happens in England too but the other way around- yet if someone did shout at you, they could be arrested lol. I hope that you didn’t feel too uncomfortable with it.

      I really love India, it can be hard at times of course. Nagpurs summer is coming soon, it’s deadly but I survived last year so should survive this year too!

      I hope you and your wife are well! 🙂

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  15. LOLOLOLOL I DIED xD.
    “Find me an English wife”…..that too from daft dimbos who can barely speak English properly. 😛
    I don’t even think they want an English girl because of a personality trait or anything. I think its mostly because of the obsession with fair skin, which I’m sure you’re well aware of by now. Keep them beautiful sisters away from these freaks!!!
    P.S: I saw your interview on BBC. Thy British accent is like music to mine ears. ^_^ ❤

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  16. Hey Lauren,

    Just came across this blog on Facebook. You have an truly amazing love story and hats off to you coming to India and accepting all the traditions of an Indian Family.

    Secondly about the emails, well some people just don’t understand the meaning of true love and its best to ignore them. After all you are not a match maker are you!! LOL…

    Take Care and have a Happy Married Life.. 🙂

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    • Hey Siddhant,

      Lovely to hear from you!! I would absolutely hate to be a match maker haha, that’s too much responsibility!!

      I hope you are well, thank you for your comment!

      Take care!

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  17. I’m a dude from india, married to an American (Caucasian) & guess what my friends ask me to hook them up with sister in laws or any American friend. That bugs the sh*t out of me. I absolutely hate such people.
    It’s like I don’t wanna be the one to to get you laid with somebody. (I said laid because that’s mostly why they want a western women – I think)
    I respect & love my wife and I also respect every women.

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  19. You must email them back(however depends on your decision)…simply saying
    “We never get what type of partner we want,it depends on who we are from inside.Almighty already knows the best match for you whether it may be your native or foreigner.Destiny will bring you there where you and your partner must be.Till then,have fun and enjoy!” 🙂

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  21. That was hilarious ! I am not sure how i missed this post, coz it was posted like a year back….
    All those ridiculous people who emailed you back then have definitely made a fool of themselves…. M Still laughing…. !!! 🙂

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