I have everything that I ever dreamt or waiting for me, so it is hard to understand, even for myself, why I’m still hiding in the corner, hysterically crying and hoping everything will disappear.
Since my early teens, like many other people, I have suffered with periods of depression. When the depression rears its ugly head it is like a shadow is cast over my entire being. Happiness, optimism and contentment are rudely kidnapped. Restrained, gagged and covered by a heavy black blanket so they are hidden without a trace. I don’t want to leave my bed, I don’t want to look after myself and I definitely do not want to look in the mirror. Slowly everything stops and I am alone with my sadness. The skin on my face starts to flake, I age years in days and I become dehydrated because of the endless tears. People ask ‘why are you crying?’ and that is a question I cannot answer.
There will always be a day during a bout of depression when I will reach rock bottom and even the thought of my skin on my body disgusts me. I cry and cry until I cannot cry anymore. That feeling of depression sticks like black glue to my entire body, tainting anything that would usually make me smile. After the struggle, one fine day, once I have become utterly exhausted the sun will start to rise again in my heart and I will feel the wind on my face once more.
I’m living with depression yet again and it’s hit me harder than it ever has. This time, depression has brought a friend. The feeling of intense anxiety about everything recently started to develop. The anxiety is able to paralyse me with fear, whilst in the state all I can do is think ‘this is the worst thing that has ever happened, I want to disappear’ over and over and over again. Simply things like writing the correct address on an envelope sends me into hours of going over what I have written. My brain constantly buzzes with thousands of anxieties. Insomnia later joined the party, simply because there were not enough hours in the day to worry about everything. Life came to a stand still. It is hard to function when I feel so low.
At this point I went to a doctor and received the diagnosis of depression and anxiety disorder. I have been given medication, which is supposed to help me regain my mental health. I am in disbelief that I have become so ill. Things are gradually getting better with the help and support of my amazing family and friends. .
I have been taking special care to look after myself more by improving my diet, exercising and trying out some relaxation technique.
It is now 27 days until I go on my one-way trip to India where I will finally be reunited with my husband. I hope I am well enough.